OSS Agent Child Ain't Nothin To Fuck Wit

"Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire" (arch-duke-maxyenko) 04/02/2016 at 22:14 • Filed to: None

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f86sabre > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 04/02/2016 at 22:43

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Neither was OSS Agent Christopher Lee

Shit got real in 1939 when Christopher Lee quit his day job, caught a boat to Finland, and decided to enlist in the Finnish Army to help them fight off the Soviet invasion of Finland . Lee got geared up to kick some commie asses up and down the frozen wastes of mid-Winter Finland, but didn’t see much action, returning home in 1940 to deal with a much bigger and more England-centric problem: Nazis.

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Christopher Lee enlisted in the Royal Air Force in 1940, where he worked as an intelligence officer specializing in cracking German ciphers and skulls and any other Nazi bullshit he came in contact with. In North Africa he was attached to the Long Range Desert Patrol, the forerunner of the SAS, where he would jump in a badass fucking four-wheel-drive jeep with a gigantic machine gun mounted in the back, drive hundreds of miles behind enemy lines, survive the scorching heat of the Sahara Desert, then sneak-attack Luftwaffe airfields by rolling up on them at sixty miles an hour with his .50-caliber machine guns blazing out curtains of white-hot Nazi-smiting justice, planting dynamite on their airplanes, then peeling ass out of there leaving nothing but bullet-riddled corpses and gigantic explosions in his wake. After working with the LRDP, Lee was assigned to the Special Operations Executive – better known as Winston Churchill’s Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare – a group that did shit like lead a twelve-man assault that destroyed the German top secret nuclear weapons development facility in Norway and assist brave Eastern European partisans and rebels sabotage Nazi supply lines to prevent them from bringing reinforcements up to fight the Soviets. His service records are sealed and Lee doesn’t talk much about his service (when pressed on the subject, he reportedly asks his interviewer, “Can you keep a secret?”. When they excitedly say yes, he leans in close and says, “So can I.”), but we do know that by the time he retired as a Flight Lieutenant in 1945 he’d been personally decorated for battlefield bravery by the Czech, Yugoslavian, English, and Polish governments and was good friends with Josip Broz Tito, so draw your own conclusions.

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Lee also belongs to three stuntman unions, does all of his own stunts, once busted his face smashing head-first through an actual plate glass window for a scene, injured himself falling into an open grave while portraying Dracula, and once had his hand slashed open during a drunken sword fight with Errol Flynn.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of swordfights, Lee has appeared in more on-screen sword duels than any other actor ever. A masterful fencer, he’s been in everything from cutlass fights on the decks of waterlogged pirate ships to rapier duels in seventeenth-century France to taking on a couple guys one-third of his age with a lightsabers and a fistful of force lightning on the deck of whatever the fuck they called Imperial Star Destroyers in the prequel movies.

coqui70 > f86sabre 04/02/2016 at 22:56

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Plus he was Scaramanga - the most dangerous assassin Bond ever faced, with the most cool hideout and the funniest sidekick.

ranwhenparked > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 04/02/2016 at 23:14

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She also started every recipe by melting a stick of butter, drank wine like a fish drinks water, and memorized every In N Out location between San Francisco and Los Angeles, and lived to the grand age of 91.

Birddog > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 04/02/2016 at 23:40

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And then there’s Maude..

SSG Beatrice Frankel (Bea Arthur) USMC.

Frank Grimes > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 04/02/2016 at 23:57

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She is a hero of mine.

The Compromiser > f86sabre 04/03/2016 at 14:53

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When Peter Jackson asked him to imagine the sound of a man being stabbed, he asked why he would need to imagine it.